I wanna be ill

I know the title is weird, but do you feel this anytime, when you are in stress, when you don’t remember when was the last time you were on vacation or when you just wanna run away from situation??

No?? Is this just me?? I know this is not something I should be proud of, but yes I had this feeling sometimes and I am extremely guilty for that…

Few months back,when I started my medical internship, and didnt know what to expect on emergency day. I went there at 8 am knowing I’ll be free by 12pm next day. I was horrified knowing that I was not going to see my bed for 30-32 hrs. I gave my bed a good bye hug in morning before leaving.( Sleep lovers will understand what bed stands in their life🛌💕) so as day proceed patients were coming so much so that there was no time to eat, drink or go to washroom also. Being only intern I had to beg to my seniors for lunch break at 4pm in afternoon. As I came out I felt like running away and not going back there ever. I did not have that much courage and went back. I should have known that was last time I am being out till next day. As I went back there, pile of work was waiting for me. I must have put around 100 iv lines,15-20 ryles tube and 15 urine catheters in that night. Finally someone asked me about dinner and I looked at clock it was 2.45 am in the night. I was not even hungry. My body must have forgotten about basic needs. I went in side room and tried eating cold vegetable curry with stiff roti, but then my teeth started paining so I lied down, thinking of all things I’ll do once I’ll get out of here…..’Sleep, eat… shower, shower, shower….my bed…’ the list was endless… At that moment I really felt like begging my brain “please please do something, faint or vomit or something that’ll make me look ill so I can escape from here”

I know admiting this thought also make me guilty, how can I even think something like this for my body, when I should be thanking my immune system for being healthy in such mess. Running away from situation is not a option, but sometime facing it also doesn’t help much?? What to do then?? Suffer…??? No one force me to be a doctor but that doesnt mean I should work for 30 hrs straight…When I am not feeling well,how am I supposed to make others well??? So I just went up to my senior told her that my back is killing me (which was truth) and I can’t put one more urine catheter as I will definitely vomit this time, she gave me “how will you become good doctor” look and started doing it own her own. I did it. I stood for myself without asking for any wrong help from my body…. As my favourite you tuber says your body is the only things that’ll stays with you, it’s your own temple, you only have protect it💪…


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